Saturday, December 14, 2013

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Let’s Hop a Plane

 

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“I don’t want to do this anymore,” I whispered.

Let’s just hop a plane and skip this whole dying thing.

There’s snow at Sunrise,

Or how about Purgatory,

With all those wide open runs?

No moguls, Baby,

Just the rhythm of our skis

Cutting into powder, an almost silent

Swish swish swish.

We move as one,

As if we have been dancing together

Our entire life.

Oh wait; we have.

I’ll follow in your tracks.

It was always you

Who made me brave.

As unsure as I am

About taking the lead,

I would gladly trade your suffering

For setting you free.

Godspeed, my Beloved,

Godspeed.

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Saturday, November 16, 2013

Where My Feet May Fail

Day Four of my Brawny Man in the Hospice Unit for uncontrollable pain.

We are in a very strange limbo;

limbo, as in the Catholic theology meaning,

the edge of hell.

Grace sustains me.

 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand


And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine


Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now


So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]


I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

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Monday, November 11, 2013

Worn

 

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Worn Beyond Words

Sunday, November 3, 2013

The Hospital Bed

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The night before the hospital bed arrived, I slept as close as I could to my Brawny Man, gently caressing the bones that now protrude from his once virile body.  I barely slept as I cried all night, knowing it was the last night that I would sleep next to my husband in our bed.  There are no words to express the feeling;  imagine despair and emptiness.  I wanted to make it right in my mind, yet by sunrise, my brain had still not accepted reality.  I cannot fix this, not even in my mind.  If God were not holding me up right now, I would be flat on the floor, sinking through the cracks.

God is near.

God is good.

I am selfish and I want the years we thought we still had.

I am not angry.

I am not depressed.

I am broken and in need of Grace.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Exactly Like That . . .

 

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You sleep more, and deeper. 

When you wake, I ask you where you’ve been.

You say that you don’t know, except that every time you wake up,

it’s as if you are on a new planet.

I thank you a lot; for our life together, for our children.

For saving me that night

when you said

“We’re talking about love…”

Patrick only said, this could be love.

Your line was better.

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I’ve had the time of my life

and I owe it all to you.

Exactly like that.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Gravity

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Warning; extreme weakness exposed.

Fall break from school.  Two weeks off.  Today begins my second week.  I have an extended list of things to accomplish sitting on my desk, and I have yet to check off one task. 

“Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.”

He sleeps a lot now.  I find myself curled up next to him on the loveseat when I should be painting, or checking on the life insurance, or calling about cremation.  I hold his hand or place my hand on his ever thinning arm; he is much too frail for me to bury my face in his chest. 

“You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.”

I live in two worlds, or in between two worlds, which actually makes three.  Confusing, yes.  When he is awake, I am alive, funny, engaging; the me he made.  When he is asleep, I sink into the most bittersweet melancholy mixed with gratefulness without boundaries.  Do not feel sorry for me.  I know how blessed I’ve been.  I am surrounded by Strong Women who get up in the morning and do what needs to be done, even when death has left them with children to raise, or left them trying to still be a family after death has taken a son.  Even they do not want pity.

“Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.”

I cannot constantly live in the darkness, and yet, it is there,

like gravity.

The human body can express more than words, especially in situations where there is nothing left to say.

lyrics by Sara Bareilles

Monday, August 26, 2013

Stage V; Not for Wimps

My Beloved Husband, my Brawny Man, my Knight in Shining Armor,
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My Once in a Lifetime Love,
is entering Hospice Care.
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We made a party of preparation for
Whole Brain Radiation;
even Kitten got a Mohawk.
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Bad Alice first sharpened up her Mad Hatter’s Faux Hawk
before taking on her Daddy-O.
I think he really owns it.
However, after 13 whole brain radiation sessions, the Hawk has fallen out
and my Beloved is worn.
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When further medical treatment is futile, the choice is not about giving up on life; it is about conforming ones heart to the Will of God.  Time to stop using every ounce of life fighting death and using that energy to LIVE the remaining life.  
And that is what we are doing. 
Living.
Being completely present.
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First, we cried.  A lot.  Now, we still cry, but mostly in gratitude for the life we have had together.  Oh, the memories we share, the secrets, the whispers in the night, the stolen glances; enough to last a lifetime.  Yet, still, I do not think I know how to be me without him.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Feeling Nostalgic for the Days When

 

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Hot Boys wore Hot Pants

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And pretty girls played it cool in the shade,

watching Hot Boys.

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Entering a new phase; we are calling it

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Brain Cancer.

This just may be turning into a Cancer Blog.

But don’t expect a lack of humor.

Brawny Man’s standard answer to any question has become

“How the hell should I know”.

I suggested it.

We laugh.

We cry.

We love.

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My knight in shining armor

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Friday, July 5, 2013

What’s on My Desktop?

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Nothing!

Actually there IS something new.

Formica!

Last year when my Brawny Man started my desk/work station for me, feeling the

effects of chemo-brain, he took the advice of the “paint person” at Home Depot.  The

desk was always sticky in that subtle way where you think it’s dry, but everything leaves

marks on it when moved.  One day, when unsticking my sewing machine

for the 100th time, the idea of a sheet of Formica came to mind.  After surviving the toxic

fumes from the adhesive (really nasty stuff) and growing a few brains cells back,

I LOVE it.

You will note that my bookcase extending from the desk top to the ceiling is not there.

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To say that I am not happy about my Mister’s cancer is a great understatement.

I hate everything about it. 

But I am his strong tower; his refuge.

I am not the sobbing, frightened, weak woman I was two years ago.

He now depends on me.

He is my inspiration for finding JoY.

deepest pain