Friday, April 30, 2010

I Am Beautiful Just the Way I Am

I finally went to the specialist for the mysterious spots that I have been watching expand on my leg and elbow, like bruised fruit spreading.  I find it odd now that I simply observed them for quite some time, and surprised that it took the discovery of the sudden appearance of many, many more of them on my legs and hands to prompt concern enough to seek a specialist.

Do you want the good news or the bad new first,” the doctor asked.

Disseminated granuloma annulare. 

The good news is that it is a “benign” autoimmune skin disease, benign meaning that it has no affect on my health.  The bad news is that there is no treatment for it.  In the five minutes that the doctor spent with me, speaking in a very rushed manner, he showed me pictures of how it will continue to take over my skin and gave me a prescription for a topical corticosteroid cream that “might help”, but will not prevent more from forming.  I informed the doctor that I was not happy about this.

Once home, I tortured myself on Google researching my BENIGN disease.  Benign indeed.  Yes, I am grateful that it will not effect my health, however, if I am one thing, it is vain.  I became angry.  By evening when Gary returned home, I was livid.  How could there not be a treatment for this? What if more develop on my arms, or my neck?  Or my face?  Gary said that I was beautiful and that he would always love me and then kissed the bruised fruit mark on my arm.  

And then I cried. Two tears . . . one from each eye.

That is all that it will get from me.

I am beautiful just the way I am.

Skin can’t bring me down.

 

 

27 comments:

Anne Huskey-Lockard said...

You are beautiful JUST AS YOU ARE Deb!!!!
I understand vain, though, as I sit here in my fat pants, having polished off a glass of wine and whining because I am up two dress sizes and too lazy to diet. (and too tired for the rigorous workout that weight loss requires)
So, my dear, I have one word:
DERMABLEND
I use it to cover rosacea on my face.
Remember....the word is BENIGN and THANK GOD for that!!!
And I would love you if you looked like the turtle.... :)

XXOO!!
Anne

She Writes said...

You are a striking woman! I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you, but you remain beautiful inside and out.

Robin said...

Deb, I have been reading your blog for a while (thanks to KJ) and when I read your post today - I HAD to leave a comment. I KNOW this is easy for me to say...because you are the one going through this - BUT - you ARE beautiful...no matter what happens on the outside, what lives INSIDE will radiate throughout you - and your beauty will always be there.

How wonderful you have an intelligent and caring husband who understands. That IS a blessing - and, remember our beloved Renee... your illness is benign.
You will survive - there are many things you can try to lessen the effects....try everything - do not give up....but, do not give in!

Sending you love and courage...

Hugs,

♥ Robin ♥

Lost Aussie said...

Lovely, inside and out - fear not!

Debi Oostendorp said...

You have always been beautiful and you always will be.

Jan said...

I can understand how you might be feeling. Of course you know you are fortunate, you have your health, you have a loving husband. You obviously know all that intellectually but still....Rats! What a bummer! We want to be perfect! I'm so thankful that I have my health and a good life but still...I am vain and I wish my skin wasn't getting all wrinkly and spotted and loose. I'm getting old! well, it is better than dying young. But still........

Bella Sinclair said...

Oh, Deborah. I'm so sorry about your news. We all have vanity. A peek into my medicine cabinet will tell you just how vain I am. But really, I only know your outer beauty through a couple of photos. That is not what makes me love you. I love you for your optimism and appreciation for life, your infectious generosity of spirit, and your strength and courage. I love you for all the things that the Deborah Award represents. If we met tomorrow and you were covered in sores from head to foot, it would not matter one wit, because the Deborah I know is still there.

Two tears, and that is it. xoxoxo

yoborobo said...

Oh, Deb, I am so sorry about this. Damn, this getting older thing is rough. I am just very happy that you aren't sick sick. We will all love you no matter what. Even if you get warts on your nose and you grow an extra pair of lips. It won't make any difference to your family, or your true friends. Deb is Deb, no matter what. Have a 'grita on me. xox Pam

Ces said...

Ooooh! If I met you next week and you are covered with bruises, I will still hug you and kiss you because you are and will remain beautiful. Above all, I love you. You are not a fruit, so I will keep you, forever. Tsup!

Sonia ;) said...

You are beautiful from the inside out. You will be fine. Everyone of his vain in our way. Its normal...Renee would use the f-word right about this point soooo. F*&^ it.

xoxoxoxo I love you for your heart

Cher' Shots said...

Its tough admitting I have "age spots" appearing on my hands ~ but like you; I am oh so grateful that is all I have.
I lost my first husband to leukemia and just a few months ago my 2nd husband was diagnosed with skin cancer... so be very grateful for being beautiful just the way you are. :)

Marie S said...

I love you gorgeous!!
I am going to tell you something Renee told me!

"Do you know Deborah, she is a beautiful lady and with the kindest heart?"
Renee saw your beauty, inside!!

"I was taught the complete opposite; for us it is what is inside that matters, outside is genetics, but what do you the person bring to your life."

Renee told me this when I freaked out about getting old!

"Getting old is inevitable. I always say We were all young and beautiful once upon a time. I don't give a rats ass about that shit.
I want to live a good life and be true mostly to myself."

You are so that Deb!

Renee the silver tongued angel!!
LOL!!!

Rick said...

Ah, Honey, its just skin. screw it. It'll do what it'll do. I walk down the street n smile at a pretty gal then catch my reflection in a window and go Blehhh!!! but they usually smile back anyway. You can't be uglied up. No disease that potent. ~rick

Ces said...

Good morning my beloved beautiful darling sisterfriend.

I love you, always, forever.

TSUP!

kj said...

deb, i have always admired you. you have an attitude and enthusiasm that sees starfish and not seaweed. you are brave and determined and committed to everyone you love and everything you believe in. and you are beautiful in a dancerly graceful kind of way. i imagine you move with grace. i remember my reaction at your high school photo: smart and courageous and authentically vulnerable.

so for me, this is the beauty i see in you and that will not change.

i don't want to minimize the seriousness of coming to terms with this diagnosis. fuck you fucking spots!, renee would say. but i know that sometimes things fix themselves. i don't know how that works, but it sometimes does. it sounds like that doctor was a pessimist. that is not the right match for your spirit.

i know full well you will fly above this deborah, in whatever way that will be. and if you want to add a few more tears here or there, why not? they won't change your beauty.

love to you,
kj

sweetmango said...

1/ You are beautiful, you shine Deborah, radiate beauty.
2/ I dont believe that nothing can be done, but that is me, the eternal optimist :)

It sounds like GA from what i have read is some sort of auto immune response and I wholeheartedly believe that nothing appears for no reason, there HAS to be a trigger. Western medicine is all about treating or managing or maintaining the symptoms, I go with the Eastern Philosophy of understanding the trigger then eliminating it.I think that we can find a way to work with this my friend. I will keep my eyes and ears open and let you know of anything that I come across.
You are loved very much, and yes you are truly beautiful....just look at those gorgeous eyes of yours for a start!!
xxmichelle
xx me



http://www.skincell.org/community/index.php/topic,10230.0.html

Ces said...

If you were contagious, then I shall have it too...

I had the same sandals - Hahahah! I am finishing my next one.

I hope you have a lovely day.

Georgina said...

That's right Deb, you ARE beautiful just the way you are. Do you know how influential you've been to many of us reading your blog? Do you know how inspirational you've been to us? Damn the bruises and damn that detached physician...you are one of the most beautiful people I've ever had the honour of meeting, so no more tears.

You are gorgeous, darlin'!

Mucho love,
Georgina

Linda@ Lime in the Coconut said...

Yes you are...

And I believe your hubby is , too!

Diana Evans said...

you are beautiful just the way you are Deborah and your heart and soul is all we ever see...and your bright smile and loving eyes....you are perfect in every way....and I am just thrilled that it is not something that will mess with your health!!! thank heavens!!!

You gorgeous wonderful beauty you!!!

don't worry about it....just enjoy each and every moment!!!

Hugsssssssssssssss
Diana

Cori G. said...

Oh Darlingest of Deb's!! How I wish I would have read this sooner. Your outer flesh is just a tent and beautiful as if may be it's not really who you are. The REAL BEAUTY lies beneath the skin...it is your heart that shines so brightly and has captivated our hearts in turn. And might I ad that yours is one of the most beautiful I've encountered.
Oh! While we're on the subject of skin, the thing on my nose grew a baby today ;-(.
You are so lovingly adored!!!!
xoxo cori

Ces said...

Good morning Deborah!

I am the bearer of not-so-good-news. I posted about our beloved sisterfriend Arija today, she is in the hospital and needs our prayers.

Diana Evans said...

Hi Deborah!!! we live in the country with a little over an acre of land...it is beautiful!!! we have one neighbor and lots of area to enjoy !!! and even though I love to visit the big cities...home is paradise for us....bon fires and all.!!!!

Hugs and thanks for popping in!!!

Diana

Silke said...

You ARE most gorgeous and will always be most gorgeous!! Your husband is quite right. That said, I can so relate as I would have a hard time with that as well. I cannot believe that there is no treatment. It sounds like Anne had an excellent comment. And then I read Renee's words in Marie's comment - perfect!! You are most beautiful to me!! Love, Silke

LDWatkins said...

Well, you are beautiful just as you are and when you are old and wrinkled, you will still be beautiful. But, I am so sorry you have this crappy skin disorder to contend with. Maybe, find another doctor. Someone else used a good word to describe him...detached. Your strength will get you through, and your positive attitude will have you swinging through Ces'treetops. Love you dear!

Javajune said...

Deb, you are one of the most beautiful people I have ever known and I have never laid eyes on you except for pictures. I guess what I'm trying to say is it doesn't matter you're beautiful just as you are, from the inside out, but then honey I know how you feel I obsess about every new sag, wrinkle and grey hair on a daily basis.
I'm sorry this happened but I love you anyway.
xo-jj

marĂ­a cecilia said...

Yes darling, this is the way you have to think about you always!!! you are beautiful as you are!!
I´m so happy they are "benign", that`s a great new...
Many hugs to you,
Maria Cecilia