Everything I once held dear,
I count it all as lost.
The tears began in the parking lot as I left school on Thursday. Holy Thursday. We used to be so Catholic. Stations of the Cross, the washing of the feet. Sunrise Service.
Easter Dinner at our house. Both sides of the family. Always our house. The house I insisted on selling to care for you, my love. It wasn't so much the house, as the life we lived there. Truth be told, this tiny townhouse would be perfect if only you, anybody, somebody were here. No, not really. Just you. I'm not lonely; I want only you, Husband. Is there a word that could properly convey the depth of the longing I have for that which will never be again? I do not believe there is a word; it is more of the sound that the human heart makes when it breaks and continues to crumble day by day. Losing my parents was expected, though not a mere six weeks before losing you. Losing my brother three weeks after losing you was beyond cruel. Yes, he is alive, but with no short term memory, my brother is gone.
Losing your extended family and our church family was actually expected.
When I state the facts, it sounds like bitterness, yet I am not bitter. If I delete the words, will they no longer be the truth?
Daily, I hold myself together so tightly that my chest hurts. My eyes are swollen from holding my tears in. My back aches from carrying burdens much too heavy for my aging bones.
When we met, we were young and beautiful and obsessed with eachother, and even then we said that we were meant to be old together; "puttsing around" as you called it, around the house, the garden, you building things in the garage, me sewing for our grandchildren. There's that other cruel twist of fate; two months after becoming grandparents to That Baby, you were diagnosed terminal.
Just like that, Our Life was over. But we weren't done. We had more plans. Try as I may, I go out into this Weird World without you and I do my best every day, but it always comes down to this; I am here and you are not.
So on this Holiest of Holy Days, Dear Husband, as you sit at the Feet of Jesus, pray for me, your faithful wife.
Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out.
Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down.
Rid me of myself, I belong to You.
Lead me, lead me to the cross.