All I Need

It's cold out here tonight

I'm worn out from the fight

I catch my breath

And pray for rest

Last night I had the most terrifying dream.  You stopped loving me.  I was captive in a horrible, unnatural world where I could feel the physical pain of my heart breaking, I could hear the sobbing of my own cries, and feel the wetness of my own tears. I was begging you to love me again. All the furniture, walls, and floors had been stripped out of our home. There was nothing left. In utter desperation, I ran down darken streets screaming out that this could not be happening. It felt impossible, unbearable, for you to not love me. I was going to die if you stopped loving me.

By morning light, I knew that you dying was not the most terrible thing that could ever happen to me; because you still love me and always will.  That's all I need.

Still a fire burns,

 lighting up the room

I know You're here with me

You wrap me in Your arms,

Like only You can do,

I know You're all I need

With You, I'll always be

Home

New Beginnings

This woman, much the Other Side of Midlife,

begins a new journey tomorrow.

I'll be flying to Los Angeles for a week of training with the

Institute for Multi-Sensory Education

(IMSE)

to be trained in the

Orton-Gillingham Method.

I forsee this becomming a Ministry for me,

providing tutoring to children in need and perhaps change a life or two along the way.

It's already been life-changing for me.

Love and prayers appreciated.

I Am In Need of Prayer...

Prayers for discernment, please and thank you.

I am so afraid of more changes,

even when I know how much gain

there will be.

2018 ... Here's the Plan

You're so hard on yourself.

Take a moment.

Sit back.

Marvel at your life;

  at the grief that softened you,

  at the heartache that wisened you,

  at the suffering that strengthened you.

Despite everything,

you still grow.

Be proud 

of this. 

P.S.  Please keep smiling.

Longing for that which will never be again...

Happy Birthday Baby, I Wish You Were Here ...

For you there'll be no crying

       For you the sun will be shining

'Cause I feel that when

I'm with you  It's all right

I know it's right

And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score

And I love you I love you I love you

Like never before

To you I would give the world

To you I'd never be cold

'Cause I feel that when I'm with you

It's all right 

I know it's right

And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score

And I love you I love you I love you

Like never before.

Like never before.

May 2, 2013
Beloved Husband, thank you for another year, albeit a very tough year.  It’s a miracle that you are still here with me…with our children.  You have already surpassed THREE predicted expiration dates; you are THE Brawny Man.

It’s true, from our very first touch, I felt that when I was with you, it was right.  With you, I have always felt safe.  I never wanted anything in life as much as I wanted you, and I thank God every day that you felt exactly the same way.

You ARE the Love of my Life, and I will never get over you.

Looking back on our 34 years, if you asked me which were my favorite days, I would have to say that

I loved them all.

May 2, 2017
You have been gone for 3-1/2 years now, and I still feel the same.  35 years of marriage with you here on earth, but for 38 years now I have been your wife.  And always will be.  For 35 years, every day, YOU CHOSE ME.  Thank you, Baby.  I still choose you.  To Eternity.
Your Faithful Wife

Husband, You showed me love of the deepest kind.

Oh, God, I need to belong to someone
I miss the breath of a kiss
I miss the wonder of a future with somebody
Oh, God, show me love
I miss belonging to someone
I miss the kiss of another
I miss the morning, I miss the waking up
I need someone to hold my hand, bigger than mine
Oh, God, where are you?
Show me love

If it wasn't real, then why does it hurt so bad?
Cause the thing that we had seemed like everything
Never thought we would be torn apart by a change in the wind or a cloud in the sky
We were always

And you showed me love of the deepest kind
And I will never find another love like you showed me love
And now I see

If it wasn't real, then why does it hurt so bad?
Cause the thing that we had, it was everything
Never thought we would be torn apart by a change in the wind or a cloud in the sky
We were always

You showed me love of the deepest kind
I will never find another love like you showed me love
Now I see

In time, this heart may heal (in time, this heart may heal)
Take a while 'fore you know the way to be whole again
And together, we will move mountains far
Take a reach for a prayer that begins with a story of old
Never ended here

You showed me love of the deepest kind
I will never find another love like you showed me love
Now I see

Now I can see you
And you showed me, showed me love of the deepest kind
And I will never find a love like you
You showed me love of the deepest kind
No, no, no
Nobody, there's nobody like you
Now I see you
Now I see, hmm
You showed me love and I thank you
And I need you and I miss you
You
You showed me love
You showed me love
Of the deepest kind, and I will never find a love
A love like you
You showed me, you showed me love
You showed me love
You showed me love
You showed me, yeah
You showed me love
You showed me love
You showed me love of the deepest kind
I will never find a love
You showed me love
You showed me love
I will never find a love like you
Love
You showed me love
You showed me, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Of the deepest kind, the best kind of love
I'm so sorry; now I see you
Oh, God
And it's too late, it's too late
Oh, God

Oh, I'm Married; My Husband Just Doesn't Live With Me.

For 38 years I have been your wife.

Lucky me.

Happy Anniversary, Baby.

It was alway you.

Yes I do, I believe

That one day I will be, where I was

Right there, right next to you

And it's hard, the days just seem so dark

The moon, the stars, are nothing without you

Your touch, your skin, where do I begin?

No words can explain, the way I’m missing you

The night, this emptiness, this hole that I’m inside

These tears, they tell their own story

You told me not to cry when you were gone

But the feeling’s overwhelming, they're much too strong

Can I lay by your side, next to you, you

And make sure you’re alright

I’ll take care of you, 

And I don’t want to be here if I can’t be with you tonight

I’m reaching out to you

Can you hear my call? (Who's to say you won't hear me?)

This hurt that I’ve been through

I’m missing you, missing you like crazy

You told me not to cry when you were gone

But the feeling’s overwhelming, they're much too strong

Can I lay by your side, next to you, you

And make sure you’re alright

I’ll take care of you 

And I don’t wanna be here if I can’t be with you tonight

Lay me down tonight, lay me by your side

Lay me down tonight, lay me by your side

Can I lay by your side, next to you, you-ou

And make sure you’re alright

I’ll take care of you 

And I don’t wanna be here if I can’t be with you tonight

I Saw You

I saw you in a dream last night.  You brought my horses to me.  It was that time of spring at dusk when the sun hits the grass at the perfect angle, making the most glorious green I have ever seen.  My favorite time ever.  No lead ropes.  Just you.  They followed, my little Appy and the giant, muscular quarter horse.  When the mare caught sight of me, she broke into a lope, whinnying all the way, as if to say, "Where've you been"?  She nuzzled my long braided hair, as she had always done.  Suddenly you were there, leaning in, exactly as you did that first time you kissed me and said,
"I don't know whether I should kiss you or not",
as your mouth found mine.   

I remember that first kiss, and the last kiss, and all the kisses inbetween.
12,775 days.  So how many kisses?

The last time you kissed me was two days before you left.  You were so frail and unable to move at all.  To be near you, I had gotten in the habit of crawling into your hospital bed, here in our living room, and without placing any weight upon you, I would straddle your failing body, and bury my face in the pillow at your neck.  You had been in a deep sleep for all of the night and most of the day, probably visiting other worlds, as you used to say.  I raised my head to look at you and your eyes were open.  Then, in the most heroic display of strength, you raised your upper body and kissed me.  Twice.

The shadow in the mist could have been anyone.
But it wasn't.
It was always you.

I'm Drowning

Everything I once held dear,

I count it all as lost.

The tears began in the parking lot as I left school on Thursday. Holy Thursday.  We used to be so Catholic.  Stations of the Cross, the washing of the feet. Sunrise Service.

Easter Dinner at our house.  Both sides of the family.  Always our house.  The house I insisted on selling to care for you, my love.  It wasn't so much the house, as the life we lived there.  Truth be told, this tiny townhouse would be perfect if only you, anybody, somebody were here.  No, not really.  Just you.  I'm not lonely; I want only you, Husband.  Is there a word that could properly convey the depth of the longing I have for that which will never be again? I do not believe there is a word; it is more of the sound that the human heart makes when it breaks and continues to crumble day by day.  Losing my parents was expected, though not a mere six weeks before losing you.  Losing my brother three weeks after losing you was beyond cruel.  Yes, he is alive, but with no short term memory, my brother is gone. 

Losing your extended family and our church family was actually expected. 

When I state the facts, it sounds like bitterness, yet I am not bitter.  If I delete the words, will they no longer be the truth?

Daily, I hold myself together so tightly that my chest hurts.  My eyes are swollen from holding my tears in. My back aches from carrying burdens much too heavy for my aging bones.

When we met, we were young and beautiful and obsessed with eachother, and even then we said that we were meant to be old together; "puttsing around" as you called it, around the house, the garden, you building things in the garage, me sewing for our grandchildren.  There's that other cruel twist of fate; two months after becoming grandparents to That Baby, you were diagnosed terminal.

Just like that, Our Life was over.  But we weren't done.  We had more plans.  Try as I may, I go out into this Weird World without you and I do my best every day, but it always comes down to this; I am here and you are not.

So on this Holiest of Holy Days, Dear Husband, as you sit at the Feet of Jesus, pray for me, your faithful wife.

Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out.

Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down.

Rid me of myself, I belong to You.

Lead me, lead me to the cross.