Monday, August 26, 2013

Stage V; Not for Wimps

My Beloved Husband, my Brawny Man, my Knight in Shining Armor,
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My Once in a Lifetime Love,
is entering Hospice Care.
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We made a party of preparation for
Whole Brain Radiation;
even Kitten got a Mohawk.
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Bad Alice first sharpened up her Mad Hatter’s Faux Hawk
before taking on her Daddy-O.
I think he really owns it.
However, after 13 whole brain radiation sessions, the Hawk has fallen out
and my Beloved is worn.
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When further medical treatment is futile, the choice is not about giving up on life; it is about conforming ones heart to the Will of God.  Time to stop using every ounce of life fighting death and using that energy to LIVE the remaining life.  
And that is what we are doing. 
Living.
Being completely present.
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First, we cried.  A lot.  Now, we still cry, but mostly in gratitude for the life we have had together.  Oh, the memories we share, the secrets, the whispers in the night, the stolen glances; enough to last a lifetime.  Yet, still, I do not think I know how to be me without him.

28 comments:

Kay G. said...

Thank you for taking the time to write this post and sharing the photos of your precious knight in shining armor. I will be thinking of you both.

Cori Gagnier said...

Oh Deb! I am so so sorry!

Cori Gagnier said...

Sorry that your beloved Brawny Man has had to endure such pain and sorrow. There are times when life is just not fair and there are no answers to the why's, but there is always prayer and I know that The Lord is holding you all ever so close.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Much love to you, my beautiful Friendling.

Xoxo,
Cori

Dawn Cueto said...

Oh Deb, my thoughts and prayers are with you. If there is anything I can do for you please let me know.
Dawn Cueto

Linda @ DesignInMyView said...

"Yet, still, I do not think I know how to be me without him."

because you're not without him
embrace the quality of life he has now chosen
crawl into his bed and comfort each other

thank you Deb, for sharing your brawny man with us

Michele said...

Love you, Ms. Deb. Your support system is here, let us hold you up so you can hold him up.

Robin said...

Deb, there are some truly beautiful and heartfelt words written here.

You and your Brawny Man are going through dark days now.....but...your love for each other burns as strong as it did when you first met...perhaps it even burns stronger..I have never met him...but looking at his eyes when he was younger and now...anyone can see you are his life, his love...and his eternity. I believe this...

You have a large, wonderful family to support you both ......and many far-flung friends who love you both..how I wish this was not happening...but I am here, praying for you both, for your family...

As Michele said, all of us will hold you up - so you can continue to hold Gary up.

Much love, many hugs and kisses...

Always,

♥ Robin ♥

audrey said...

My dear friendling, Deb... my heart is heavy for you. Nothing is more important now than for you to be with your Brawny Man every moment that you can, holding hands, cherishing the memories you've made together through this lifetime of love. God will cradle you both in His arms and get you through this. So many friends love you and will help you when you need it. Just ask, Deb. You never need to be alone. xxoo

Linda@ Lime in the Coconut said...

Oh beautiful Deb and Brawny. This is not practice....Trust you know exactly what to do, think, be.

So so thinking of you and holding you up...in prayer...in my heart.

May you move into this part of the journey with the same grace and the same unbridled love that you started it with.

<3 <3 <3

Linda@ Lime in the Coconut said...

Just listened to the song....which I have heard countless times before. It is yours, now.

tears.

Shirley said...

Sending you peace and love and warmth as you, your Brawny man, and your family, all move through this time together, Deb. I am honored that you share this with us. My hope is that the hospice workers will provide the best care for all of you. Use them, for they are there for all of you, and don't hesitate to push them for more guidance, support. And should they not provide the support, or cause more stress/worry during this time, don't hesitate to find other hospice care. I am holding you all in my heart at this time. xoxo

Kelly said...

Dear Deborah, the song Eagles Wings plays in my head while I try to think of what to say. May He hold you both and Keep you Strong in His Love.
My Prayers are with you and your precious family!<3

kj said...

Deb, I think you will meet some angels who walk the earth through hospice. Your family has never been alone through this and they will fortify that strength. I hope you will all find comfort through this time .

Who you are will never be without your brawny man: he dwells within you and always will. Love has strong roots.
I am so sorry , deb, sorry that you and your brawny man will not have more time; glad that you have this time

Love, always
kj

Pamela Smallcomb said...

Deb, I have no words. Just sending love to you and your Brawny Man. xox

Maria-Thérèse ~ www.afiori.com said...

So sorry to hear this <3 Hugs <3 <3

slsmyth said...

I've been thinking about you and your Brawny Man a lot these last few weeks. What I love from all of this is the decision made, the tears cried, the sorrow felt, the love that is shared. This is a decision not entered into lightly but you are so honest -- when the treatments reach the stage that you are using all your strength to fight death...and the choice becomes to use the energy to live the remaining life...you have entered a state of peace. Sending both of you much love, many embraces and the joy for the time you have left together. Your lives have been a true love story. *blowing kisses* xo

Debra She Who Seeks said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you all right now. Wishing you love and peace, today and always.

Linda Wildenstein said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your love. Just continue to cherish each moment and share your incredible love for each other. Smooches and Squoozes to your whole family to keep you strong. Oma Linda

Georgina said...

Oh sweet Deb, thank you for your very honest and beautiful post. You have such an amazing spirit and it shows. As always, you remain in my daily thoughts and prayers for you and yours. In times like these, all I can say is God bless and keep you safe in his heart...Brawny Man will be with you always, along with Him.

Love you so,
Georgina

kj said...

i came back tonight to leave a carefully wrapped package of love that cannot be extinguished. just to add more to what already resides in your home.

love
kj

ChrisC said...

Deb-my thoughts and prayers are with you.YardBoy was under the care of Hospice when he passed.They are the most wonderful people!They were with us every step of the way.Though the transition was difficult,to say the least,they did so much to help.
Sending love your way.
Chris

Titanium said...

Thinking of you and your Brawny Man. Lighting a candle for you, for him. May this Transition, this Passage, hold you both gently.

Linda said...

Deborah....you kindly came to visit my blog in June and it has taken me far too long to come to see you, I'm sorry.
I have just read a few of your blog posts and I am struggling to know what to say, other than my heart goes out to you. In your side panel it says you have decided to celebrate life. That's a wonderful, positive decision...and all any of us can ever do. I will be thinking of you and sending love.... xx

Wendy said...

Sending peace and love your way.....

Time means nothing anymore as you simply live - live each treasured moment together.

Your strength and love will carry both of you through.

Blessings dear ones, on this sacred part of your journey.

Wendy said...

Sending peace and love your way.....

Time means nothing anymore as you simply live - live each treasured moment together.

Your strength and love will carry both of you through.

Blessings dear ones, on this sacred part of your journey.

Snap said...

Deb, thinking of you and your Knight. Wish I was there to hug you. I'm standing at your back. Wishing you well. Much love and hugs -----

http://afancifultwist.typepad.com said...

Brawny man will always hold a dear place in my heart for crowning me the New Age Hippie :)

I am overwrought with emotion, even trying to put one toe in your shoes.

Life is such an odd place. I am finding that out myself more and more. Wonderfully odd.

But there is beauty, and you see that and you hold it and embrace it, and I know you will never let it go.

It's beautiful hopeful people like you, that make the world go round.

Even in the face of so much over the last years, and now hospice - your glowing golden halo shines through.

Will you give Brawny Man a hug from me? Tell him the New Age hippie sent it? Please?

Next week, when I am going in for my own surgery, I will repeat to myself, that I am the New Age Hippie - and I will be okay.

You both and your children are beautiful angel souls. Truly.

So much love,

Vanessa

Kathie Brown said...

I don't know what to say except I send you love and prayers and grace to make it through. I wish you joy and happiness and strength and the freedom to cry and love and grieve.