Monday, October 7, 2013



Warning; extreme weakness exposed.

Fall break from school.  Two weeks off.  Today begins my second week.  I have an extended list of things to accomplish sitting on my desk, and I have yet to check off one task. 

“Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.”

He sleeps a lot now.  I find myself curled up next to him on the loveseat when I should be painting, or checking on the life insurance, or calling about cremation.  I hold his hand or place my hand on his ever thinning arm; he is much too frail for me to bury my face in his chest. 

“You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.”

I live in two worlds, or in between two worlds, which actually makes three.  Confusing, yes.  When he is awake, I am alive, funny, engaging; the me he made.  When he is asleep, I sink into the most bittersweet melancholy mixed with gratefulness without boundaries.  Do not feel sorry for me.  I know how blessed I’ve been.  I am surrounded by Strong Women who get up in the morning and do what needs to be done, even when death has left them with children to raise, or left them trying to still be a family after death has taken a son.  Even they do not want pity.

“Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.”

I cannot constantly live in the darkness, and yet, it is there,

like gravity.

The human body can express more than words, especially in situations where there is nothing left to say.

lyrics by Sara Bareilles


Ladystamper said...

Oh Deb....I feel it. Love you my friend....

Anonymous said...

Deb my arms enfold you and your brawny his journey is ending your journey is in limbo...and I believe we all feel grateful to you that you are sharing your personal, emotional journey with us. You inspire even when you are at the depths of your soul. You show us how we can let go of those we love with grace, with honour, with smiles and with love. Thank you for allowing us to be part of your journey. xo

Just A Girl said...

Oh Darlingest of Deb's,

Do not feel guilty for doing the other "stuff." By his side is where you need to be. Even though he sleeps I'm sure he senses your presence and I know it is comfort for him. Be there, with him...for is but a vapor that soon passes. I think often we forget how fragile life is.

You are in my heart. Praying our precious Savior, Jesus, carries you out of the Beloved Friendling.

Much much love to you!!

Snap said...

I remember those feelings all too well ... those moments of hand-holding. Gentle hugs, my dear friend ... and lots of love.....

Unknown said...

Much love to you, dear Deb. xox

audrey said...

Dear Sweet Deb...
You are taking every step of this journey with the strength of a soldier and the grace of an angel. I am pretty certain that when you reach the end of this journey you will crumble from holding so much inside. Know that is ok and necessary. Once you are ready, your family and friends will be right by your side to help you continue your life journey. All the love you've felt all your life and all the memories will be with you forever.
Sending BIG love and hugs to you and Brawny Man. xxoo

Lois said...

Sending you a little love and light, Lois.

Ces Adorio said...

Leave the other stuff. If it is too late to do them now, it won't make a difference two months from now. Linger in the loveseat. Hold him dear. Run your fingers through his hair. Constantly whisper that you love him. Sometimes no words are needed, Just stay. Hold him. Hold him and let him feel your warmth. These are the things you will remember, not whether you filed the papers on Tuesday or Wednesday. This is so painful, but we all must go through this. We have done this before with our parents, with our sisters, our brothers. I do not know about husbands, I cannot imagine. I do not want to imagine. I can feel it through your words. I heart a heart breaking and no sooner after a part breaks it gets molded again because that is what love does. It breaks and it heals sometimes at the same time. Linger, stay while you can, my dearest Deborah.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Some things are beyond words. Hugs to you both.

Anonymous said...

Dear Deb, you are strong and in his heart and soul so is he. Be with him, breathe in his scent, tell him how much you love him and always will. It is a bond that is only illusorily broken but it is not - it is just metamorphosed into the next...
Hugs your newest friend,
Beth P

Kay G. said...

Very moving post.
Sending love your way, I hope you real all these lovely comments and feel the love. xx

kj said...

Deb, the otherworld; reality and disbelief and still moments and always memories. You love this man. It's obvious no one needs to tell you how lucky you are to have loved so deeply. I hope you able to rest and the chores just don 't matter. Whatever you do is right and best. It's okay to feel the sun on your face too.

Time will help you. I do know that. I wish you and your brawny man had years ahead. I know that strength you speak of will serve you well.

Love always to you, deb.

Georgina said...

You said it all, Deb...can't add anything else. Love you so, dear friend.


Anonymous said...

Thinking of you... and him. Sending much love.

This, and You, are beautiful.

Linda@ Lime in the Coconut said...

Your beautiful, touching and raw words are amplified by the wise and soulful comments. I am awed.

Much love...straight to your heart, onto his.

Kelly said...

Your words so powerful Deb! I know the Lord is with you both. Prayers continue! <3

Deborah said...

"No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone."

Husband, I told you before you left that I will never get over you.

Your faithful wife,