Warning; extreme weakness exposed.
Fall break from school. Two weeks off. Today begins my second week. I have an extended list of things to accomplish sitting on my desk, and I have yet to check off one task.
“Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.”
He sleeps a lot now. I find myself curled up next to him on the loveseat when I should be painting, or checking on the life insurance, or calling about cremation. I hold his hand or place my hand on his ever thinning arm; he is much too frail for me to bury my face in his chest.
“You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.”
I live in two worlds, or in between two worlds, which actually makes three. Confusing, yes. When he is awake, I am alive, funny, engaging; the me he made. When he is asleep, I sink into the most bittersweet melancholy mixed with gratefulness without boundaries. Do not feel sorry for me. I know how blessed I’ve been. I am surrounded by Strong Women who get up in the morning and do what needs to be done, even when death has left them with children to raise, or left them trying to still be a family after death has taken a son. Even they do not want pity.
“Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.”
I cannot constantly live in the darkness, and yet, it is there,
The human body can express more than words, especially in situations where there is nothing left to say.
lyrics by Sara Bareilles