Saturday, December 6, 2014

Dear Brawny Man

It is by the Grace of God alone that I have
been able to breathe without you for one year…indeed through God’s wisdom in
making breathing part of the autonomic system, in that we have no choice
but to breathe…He knew better than to leave it up to us.  Alone, I
would not have had the strength nor the courage to take that first breath in as
you left this world on your last breath out.  Oh Holy Night, one year ago, when
Heaven bowed down to touch earth so that the Angels could cross over to
accompany you Home.  I envision in my soul’s eye, our unborn, yet Sainted
children, Michael and Gabrielle, greeting you.  Although my own Mother had told
me that Jesus, The Christ, always greets children into heaven, somehow I have
pictured Him greeting you, with one child on each side.  I am in need of no
proof, for I witnessed you and the cats constantly gazing at the space above the
Christmas tree, having wordless conversations with those who had already left
us.  The house was heavy with the weight of their presence the entire last month
of your life here in Time and Space.  It was then that I learned of The Weight
of Eternity. 

Husband, I have mourned you like a wild
animal…I have bellowed in agony, like that mama cow we passed in the snow on the
side of the road on the way to Purgatory, whose calf lay dead in the gutter.  We
were both deeply moved by the sight of an animal grieving inconsolably for her
loss.  In desperation, I have curled up on the floor in the corner where your
hospital bed was, the exact spot where you left, and have tried to breathe you
back into me.  I have placed my hand inside your ski glove and held my other
hand with closed eyes, imaging your hand, those hands, that I still
know by heart, holding mine.   I have opened your closet door to run my hands
over your shirts,  hanging empty on the hooks…trying to understand how we
can be over.  Intellectually, I understand you had to leave your body
and that even I gave you permission to do so, yet my heart wants what
it has wanted since the first moment our eyes met; YOU. I still want you.  I
still want to be us.

I now understand what it is to love someone
even greater in death;  for I love you purely, "I bow to the God within you", or
"The Spirit within me salutes the Spirit in you" - a knowing that we are all
made from the same One Divine Consciousness.  I was correct for 35 years in
signing every card to you, “I love you to Eternity”. 

But what I have not done, beloved
husband, is given up on life.  I honor my promise to you; I will be okay, but I
will never get over you. 


Snap said...

Hugs, hugs and more hugs ........

Thoughts for the day said...

This is so touching, so moving, so incredibly beautiful. I have been looking for you to write again. Praying for you during this time and season of loss and remembering, I know it is so hard. Be good to yourself, keep pressing one foot forward and breathe. I know this is a huge incredibly hard 'loss'.
I am sorry.

audrey said...

Deb, all I can say is that I am honored to know a couple who loved SO deeply, SO profoundly in life and in death. Your words, though filled with sorrow, are beautiful. I know that ache you feel wanting to physically hold your beloved, is real.
I send love your way. ♥

Linda@ Lime in the Coconut said...

Tender pain. I can feel your love. Your loss. Your life.

Anonymous said...

How fast a year has passed, though I'm sure it (already)
feels an eternity to you.
I'm glad to see you here,,,I've been watching. Praying.

In His love,(and mine)

Debra She Who Seeks said...

You prove that love never dies. Hugs today and every day to you.

ChrisC said...

A million hugs and tons of love going to you.

Wendy said...

Oh Deb, one year already. I can so relate to your post. Your breathing in your sweetie trying to bring him back, inhaling and touching his clothes, screaming, crying, grieving - how can one possibly go on?
And yet - Love does not die. It becomes stronger, like bonds of steel. Nothing seems to make sense. And yet - they are here with us, even though their bodies are not.

Love, blessings and a thousand warm hugs. This journey is not for the faint-hearted.

Kelly said...

Sending prayers as you continue your
Forever Loves Promise. May you be strengthened daily by our Lord.<3

kj said...

deb, you have comforted me through my own recent loss and i come here now to read a love prayer, beautifully spoken and deeply felt.

so it's been a year. and with such clarity you confirm that love survives and thrives, no matter the physical loss. but even so, how well you express the loss of joined hands, of shared lives.

i wish you for you that your deep love lives on forever, and that in some way, it multiplies.

love to you always, my friend

Rachel Gloria Mayer Walsh Schapiro said...

amazing lines.

Bella Sinclair said...

Oh my! My heart did a jump to see you again! How wonderful it is to see you! I think of you from time to time and hope you are doing well. Life brings new adventures and new joys, and it's bittersweet when the people we love are not here to share in it. Then again, I believe that they are. Big, big, big kisses to you! XXXOXOXO

Ces Adorio said...

Only true love and devotion enables one to write this beautiful dedication. My dearest Deborah, wishing you strength, beauty and love. Tsup!!!.

P.S. I like that I am under Bella. :)

Silver said...

Deborah darling. my heart sank when i saw your comment you'd left me. I am so so sorry to know. Be strong. i know you will survive this and be an inspiration to others.

i have left my blog open recently for a friend who wanted to read my story.. 7 years have passed. But you know what? This silly girl still misses Ben... we never do forget our deepest love. We just learn to live on and smile through it all like we have never known pain.

much love,

Lois said...

Thank you for visiting me at my little blog-home... I have been absent, but now I am back. Your strength is incredible, I look on your words with awe, this landscape you are navigating now is one for a warrior. Sending you warm thoughts and energy! Lois