Sunday, January 31, 2016

Ditto


I want to begin writing again.  I truly miss our original Blogging Community where we formed amazing connections of the Human Spirit.  I want to live more intentionally, as opposed to surviving the death of my husband, yet, for two years, that is all I have been doing; surviving.  For me, it has been enough.  Existing without him takes SO much energy.  I am actually amazed at myself.  I get out of bed every day.  I smile at everyone.  I offer encouragement and wicked humor.  Yet, the world expects more.  It is so hard being in Human Skin on this pretty blue planet.  Add a shattered heart within that human skin, and dang, one can hardly breathe. 

I am going to try to begin here.  To document me trying. My Mister always told me that I had more try in me than anyone he had ever know.  But under all my trying, please know that I am broken beyond repair.  There is no starting over; there is learning how to live a life alone, for the life we lived together for 35 years was our life. 

I was relieved (although that is not an accurate description of the feeling I had) when I found Richard Feynman’s letter, “My Wife is Dead”.
“You can give me nothing now yet I love you so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else — but I want you to stand there. You, dead, are so much better than anyone else alive.”

He was a Nobel Prize winning physicist, so how can an old poet be expected to be stronger than that?

I fell in love with my Husband even more deeply while he was dying.  We spent three months, five days, one hour, and ten minutes on Hallowed Ground.  To help the one you hold closest in your heart to transition from death into new life is a very Holy, Sacred Work.  We honored our marriage vows, in sickness and health, till death do we part.  And I was SO good.  I will never be that good again.  I was everything he needed, the only thing he wanted.  That bond is for eternity.

So, I begin and ask you to remember:




14 comments:

Thoughts for the day said...

So good to read your writing again and I look forward to reading more. Be kind to yourself, it takes a lot of time to grieve. I will try to subscribe to your blog I moved from blogger to word press so I don't see a lot of my old 'blogs' I used to read. Today I found them again. Take care and remember to take one day at a time.

Thoughts for the day said...

Me again is there a way you can subscribe me to your blog, my email address is:
faithiesgramma@msn.com {my name is Sharon}

GowitheFlo said...

Hello, I'm so glad I've found you here. You describe your feelings so well and, oh! that reverent experience - "To help the one you hold closest in your heart to transition from death into new life is a very Holy, Sacred Work." I had that, too! It is such a hard act to follow, this thriving kind of love. Your husband knew you well, here you are, beautiful and real. hmmm. I've been searching for holy, deeply authentic experience of love since then. Hugs :-)

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Let your words and feelings flow! Hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

So good to see you here, as I have wondered about you. Often.
~Babs

kj said...

i am very touched and very glad that you may/will blog again. our precious community here has shrunk but it is as special and wonderful as ever.

i am convinced that our hearts carry and protect love forever. you have had and have such a great loss, but wow to love like that, and for the many years you both had.

i understand this lovely poem and your lovely words and and i understand the comfort of knowing that you gave everything .

and yes, deb, please write. start writing and don't stop.

love
kj

Silke Powers said...

I've been sitting here for a few minutes trying to think of what to write. I cannot even fathom experiencing a loss like you have. I, too, miss our blogging community, which truly and sadly has shrunk. That said, I find that I used to blog a lot and paint a little. Now I paint a whole lot and blog only a little. Things sure change. All the time. And through it all I am so happy we didn't lose touch! Lots of love! Silke

Rhonda Roo said...

It's crazy isn't it? You know how much I loved Cowboy. He was the kind of man one could know with absolute certainty would be by your side no matter what. And until the very end he was.

35 years is a long long time. Twelve was long for me- and even more importantly, the experience of twelve very very easygoing, love filled, low key, high happiness years -- a new concept to me when I met him. There's freedom in security, sometimes. You can soar.

And now (As you know) life is different. VERY different. The Wolfboy is still, in many ways, a boy. And the security isn't as prevalent in my relationship. But I'll say, and I think you and Snappy understand, that now I have two men who hold my hand - but what I need to do is recognize that I am self. And I have a life. And life is moving along -- and there are parts of myself that need to stay mine no matter what - like this. Like you! Li9ke our very special and indeed magical online community lovefest.

So YAY for you Darling Deb, hold on tight and let's make our own sunshine! Let's dance from treetop to treetop and cloud hop and SOAR!

I love you big.
xoxox

kj said...

I totally adore ms. rhonda roe's comment.

love
kj

Ces Adorio said...

Since I started blogging and moved to Facebook, I have lost many dear friends. I miss them terribly especially the one named Renee in the blogs and the one named Steve in the blogs and Facebook. I have always written and drawn since I can remember. I write for myself and my family. I enjoy it. I have been watching so many animal, earth and life movies, scientific shows, very enlightening. Most often the animals appear in my drawing. Anyway I am just rambling. You know what Eleanor Roosevelt wrote: great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events and small minds discuss people. Deborah, keep on discussing ideas of life, love, death, surviving, living... I read everything you write. I may not press like or comment but I read and empathize, feel, sympathize, agree. I can't remember disagreeing. I like how you think, how you express yourself. Admirably. Please write. The world is full of too many selfies, quite sad sometimes, especially those taken in toilets. Too many dumb reality shows. We need ideas, great ideas. I use Facebook more often but if you put the link in your post I will read your blog. I love you my sisterfriend. Tsup!

Bella Sinclair said...

The love never dies. It's both a blessing and a curse, but one I will gladly accept. Sending warm hugs eastward to you, along with a pocket full of strength for your new journey. xoxoxo

Linda@ Lime in the Coconut said...

Beauty filled. Raw. Love to YOU.

A Magical Whimsy said...

Thank you for this beautiful post of heartfelt, enduring love beyond the grave.
And please, do keep blogging. The faltering of the blogging world seemed to have been affected along with the economic crash of 2008. There were so many beautiful souls, artists, writers, poets, dancers, singers, actors, teachers of all things, and I think all of us became discouraged. I do feel that the 'die hards' are regrouping, realizing that our social arena should not define us, but what truly defines us is what we truly are inside. We need to shine brighter than we did before, as there are a lot of hurting people we can comfort with our wisdom and words, or poems,and our artwork, and to blog about it, even if we don't have as many 'followers' as before, at least we know they are genuine and transparent with who they are. Souls are starving for the Light to shine upon them to make life a little bit easier. The community of artists and writers is still out there. I think the surviving ones have become stronger through the trials the entire world is experiencing.
hugs and blessings to you,
Teresa in California
http://amagicalwhimsy.blogspot.com/
I am still creating art, even if it is slow in the process, at least I can 'loose' myself in that expression which frees the mind and soul from the deeper trials of life.

Lois said...

Thinking of you today. Sending you some light and love from my self. Lois