I want to begin writing again. I truly miss our original Blogging Community where we formed amazing connections of the Human Spirit. I want to live more intentionally, as opposed to surviving the death of my husband, yet, for two years, that is all I have been doing; surviving. For me, it has been enough. Existing without him takes SO much energy. I am actually amazed at myself. I get out of bed every day. I smile at everyone. I offer encouragement and wicked humor. Yet, the world expects more. It is so hard being in Human Skin on this pretty blue planet. Add a shattered heart within that human skin, and dang, one can hardly breathe.
I am going to try to begin here. To document me trying. My Mister always told me that I had more try in me than anyone he had ever know. But under all my trying, please know that I am broken beyond repair. There is no starting over; there is learning how to live a life alone, for the life we lived together for 35 years was our life.
I was relieved (although that is not an accurate description of the feeling I had) when I found Richard Feynman’s letter, “My Wife is Dead”.
“You can give me nothing now yet I love you so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else — but I want you to stand there. You, dead, are so much better than anyone else alive.”
He was a Nobel Prize winning physicist, so how can an old poet be expected to be stronger than that?
I fell in love with my Husband even more deeply while he was dying. We spent three months, five days, one hour, and ten minutes on Hallowed Ground. To help the one you hold closest in your heart to transition from death into new life is a very Holy, Sacred Work. We honored our marriage vows, in sickness and health, till death do we part. And I was SO good. I will never be that good again. I was everything he needed, the only thing he wanted. That bond is for eternity.
So, I begin and ask you to remember: