Sunday, March 27, 2016

I'm Drowning

Everything I once held dear,
I count it all as lost.

The tears began in the parking lot as I left school on Thursday. Holy Thursday.  We used to be so Catholic.  Stations of the Cross, the washing of the feet. Sunrise Service.
Easter Dinner at our house.  Both sides of the family.  Always our house.  The house I insisted on selling to care for you, my love.  It wasn't so much the house, as the life we lived there.  Truth be told, this tiny townhouse would be perfect if only you, anybody, somebody were here.  No, not really.  Just you.  I'm not lonely; I want only you, Husband.  Is there a word that could properly convey the depth of the longing I have for that which will never be again? I do not believe there is a word; it is more of the sound that the human heart makes when it breaks and continues to crumble day by day.  Losing my parents was expected, though not a mere six weeks before losing you.  Losing my brother three weeks after losing you was beyond cruel.  Yes, he is alive, but with no short term memory, my brother is gone. 
Losing your extended family and our church family was actually expected. 
When I state the facts, it sounds like bitterness, yet I am not bitter.  If I delete the words, will they no longer be the truth?

Daily, I hold myself together so tightly that my chest hurts.  My eyes are swollen from holding my tears in. My back aches from carrying burdens much too heavy for my aging bones.

When we met, we were young and beautiful and obsessed with eachother, and even then we said that we were meant to be old together; "puttsing around" as you called it, around the house, the garden, you building things in the garage, me sewing for our grandchildren.  There's that other cruel twist of fate; two months after becoming grandparents to That Baby, you were diagnosed terminal.

Just like that, Our Life was over.  But we weren't done.  We had more plans.  Try as I may, I go out into this Weird World without you and I do my best every day, but it always comes down to this; I am here and you are not.

So on this Holiest of Holy Days, Dear Husband, as you sit at the Feet of Jesus, pray for me, your faithful wife.

Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out.
Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down.
Rid me of myself, I belong to You.
Lead me, lead me to the cross.



Ces Adorio said...

I truly understand this. There are no words that can ease the pain of losing someone we love. None of those "in a better place" for the best place is to be together here. None of that "lives forever in our hearts". I listen to those words but don't settle for that. I just want you to know that I get this and if ever there is a chance that one day you are looking for some tenderness from a friend, I am here, though far in distance but near in spirit. I think of you and there is a place in my heart that aches and a tear would fall. I gently rub my chest and send happy thoughts. Sadness is a wonderful sensation even for those who are generally joyful. Oh Deb, know that you are a beloved friend.

Snap said...

Hugs hugs and more hugs ......

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Wishing you peace, love and renewal.

Bella Sinclair said...

Dearest, sweetest poetess. What you have been through in such a short time frame is incomprehensible. My heart grew heavier and heavier as I read your words. You have great strength to keep yourself together. There are days, still, when my daughter sobs over losing her father. And I know, all the way through to my deepest core, that he would be devastated to see her so heartbroken, and I tell her so. When you close your eyes, I hope you can feel the warmth and love of everyone who loves and supports you, for you are cherished.

Linda@ Lime in the Coconut said...

LOVE to you. No more no less. <3

Misadventures of Widowhood said...

Wow, you've sure had a lot of losses close together! It's amazing what the human heart can endure and still find the will and way to write: "...I go out into this Weird World without you and I do my best every day..." That's all we can ask of ourselves.

Hugs to you.........

kj said...

my god, deb. your ability to put words to such deep love and indescribable loss is so strong it's as though i'm inside you feeling what you feel. my heart breaks for you even as i know there are days too when you are engaged and alive and bringing joy and smiles to the people in your life. i admire you very much. your capacity to love and to express that love, and what it means to lose it in our human plane is very special.

i know i shouldn't be focusing on the writing, but i think you should publish this somehow somewhere because i think it's a mournful special gift to others.

love to you, deb

Just A Girl said...

My Darlingest of Debs,
I can not fathom the pain or despair that you are feeling and I know there are no words other than your own, but know this to be true...there is a God who is so deeply madly in love with you Who desires to lift the burdens from your shoulders so He can carry them for you. Death is a terrible thing...the separation of two hearts...two beings who have become one...I don't think that longing will ever diminish. Hold tight to what you know...Gods' Word and His love for you.
My old pastor used to say that when he dies, he's not really gone, he's just changed his address.
And one day, we too will be standing around the throne of Jesus with Gary.

So much loss you've endured in such a small amount of time.
I am praying for you...that the God of all comfort will carry you through your pain and losses.
Much love to you my Friendling!

A Magical Whimsy said...

Oh, gosh. I have tears in my eyes. So, so, sorry for the loss of your husband, parents, and brother who is not 'there' in his mind. Too many losses for you all at once.
May our Lord strengthen you in your day to day life. This is the place my strength comes from too. To take care of my grandkids a few times a week. I was thinking of the verse 'No greater love is there than this, that a man (or woman) lay down their life for their friends (or for family). I could complain that I am old, and taking care of my grands is wearing me out, but what better way to wear out than to sacrifice myself in Love? And I do have my husband and I am thankful for him. I am deeply in love with all things about our God and He and Jesus are the ones who have sustained me in all my trials. My dad passed away in 1997, from Acute Lymphoblast Leukemia and was diagnosed and gone in three weeks. He was 68 at the time. Our family loved him so much and we miss him dearly. Such is the love that we have for our loved ones. They are always in our heart.
Prayers and comfort to you,
Teresa in California

A Magical Whimsy said...

Hello, dearest Deborah
Thank you for adding me to your blog list. You have been on mine for quite a while as I always follow 'A Fanciful Twist' and you and I both comment on her blog consistently. I am on Facebook but I have been quite disillusioned about it. Blogging is more personal, to me, anyway. I have made some lasting friendships all around the world with other creative souls. It has been a rewarding journey and very enriching. Blessings to you this weekend
Teresa in California

Anonymous said...

I was thinking this morning, of how, even as old as I am,,as much as I've lived, I am still often amazed.

We hurt, we break, we struggle so for breath,,,,,,it's amazing that we live, and yet we do.
XO Babs